Who, What, When?

I sometimes doubt: Was that my imagination or the reality that was so sound?
Don't you sometimes feel the memories of our past become sweeter than they were indeed?

We long for unexperienced feelings, whereas the feelings we once felt were always better than today's.

Who will satisfy us? What will satisfy?

When?

Lost Words

Words are floating in my head and some feelings are filling my chest. What am I doing?

Nothing.

The words just can't reach to these lines nowadays. How much I miss to get lost among them...

Today my words are.

But, I wonder:

Where am I?

Reality vs God

I refused to believe in reality-death, but
I chose to believe in an illusion-god. And in the end neither of them helped much:

Reality shattered me into pieces and god never existed.

Feelings

Years and years pass. Some feelings shrink. The others just grow in the direction we don't want.

Autopoetic

It was a misunderstanding that led me to this nonexistent word: Autopoetic. First, it was a bliss! I thought I had found the word I had been long looking for. In the next second, he corrected: He didn't say "autopoetic".

True, he didn't say autopoetic, but still this didn't change the fact that I have found my word:

Autopoetic is an attempt to give a meaning to our lives in a poetic way, in our own unique way.

Holding One's Hand

People hold each others' hands in two situations: When they are in love and when they are afraid. Today I can't decide which I am feeling.

Will you just come and hold my hand? It's already getting too dark here...

Long Time No Post

Long time no post. Sometimes I like to be enveloped by my silence. Sometimes silence has more meaning than all my words.

Age 29, Post 229

Started my new age very broken, but don't worry, I have a whole year to recover.

Puzzle

She slept with many men to find the man she had lost once. One had his smile, the other had the same eye color and another had the same humor.

No man and nothing brought him back.
But all men and everything made her eternally sad.

First, Then and Now.

First I thought I would be liberated.
Then I got scared I wouldn't get inspired.
Now I know it wasn't for a while, it was for a life-time.

Pondering

If I could only "rewind" my life...I know I would repeat all mistakes again and be here where I am today. That's the way I am, I guess.

Midsummer Dream

No,it isn't you. Neither is it me.
You and me were gone long time ago. Our existence vanished in this vast universe at once and what remained of us was our dreams.
Can you believe that we never existed in this world, my love?

It was just a midsummer dream.

It wasn't Him, It was His Voice

The tone of his voice was enchanting. Soft, calm and relaxing. We didn't talk much, but I wished we had done so. He could talk forever and I was willing to travel to the distant places his voice would take me.
Can a voice of a stranger be so familiar?

All the Universe is Against Me

I sometimes feel all the universe is against me.

I sometimes feel I am the victim of a secret conspiracy.

And today I feel the joke was on me.

One Strange Metro Reading

I saw that young beautiful man reading his book in English. I didn't want to disturb him, but I was curious to death just to be able to see the title of his book; The History of.... Unfortunately, I didn't have enough time to find it out, for it was time to get out. In the crowd, I could spot his direction easily. I walked behind his silhouette not noticing that I was walking in the wrong direction.

I fell under the train and I died. Died after my dreams.

If...

If I gave up everything and turned back to you, would I be the same person you loved once?

My Father's Grave

I didn't visit your grave last time I was in Istanbul. Your absence in my life has turned such a great presence in the core of my existence that it didn't make any sense to go to a cemetry. How could you be dead while you're here everyday in my thoughts?

I know your body is rotting there among others, but these feelings held me back. I am still your little daughter, remember? At times, I get scared.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for acting so coward.

Why me?

I sometimes feel I am detached from life and realize how badly I misread it. All I do is to search for a substance for so-called, neatly created pains. Only the times I fail to find one, I feel happy in life. Why me, I would ask to myself. But today it is:

Why not me?

She: The Story of Unhapiness

The blue sky was there. She turned on her TV to watch some news. Desperation of an old man holding his little daughter's dead body stirred her feelings deeply. Shrank in his body, hunger of a child brought her tears. Grief of a woman standing next to her bombed house revolted her. She looked up to the sky from her window. A tiny reason for happiness, i.e. blue sky, was a luxury to the rest of the world. The sun was shining only for few, she thought and turned off the TV.

He: The Story of Happiness

The clear blue sky, bleaming sun was away from his concept of happiness.
He demanded more
And he shrinked in his body more.
In the end he was reduced to his unhappiness.
One day, the wind blew and he flew.
That's how he became aknew and he started all anew.

Absence

I'll be away from my computer until the end of this month.

Colors Tray

My skin is white, my soul is black and my thoughts are often blue.

Your skin is black, your soul is white and your thoughts are lost and your eyes never smile.

Truth and Lies

Your lies hurt more than the bitterest truth.
Either tell me all or just seal your lips.
In either case, I will be gone.

She and Her Memories of Him

She wanted to get some hearings, some news from him. But she didn't. It wasn't long after she found out that she was no longer in his life. She didn't know how to feel, just thought how easy it was to forget all. Suddenly, she realized something. It was easy to break up with them, but it wasn't easy to get rid of memories. That was the hardest of all.

The man she was in love wasn't it him, but her memories of him.

Stranger

He was a stranger. He was a stranger to these skies, to these faces, to all.

His soul was aching. Inside he was suffering from these emotional tumors that noone could cure. The more richness his eyes witnessed, the sadder he got at heart. His life was nothing but flashbacks of poverty of his past life.

His loneliness was stiffened by the fact that he was from a third world country. He passed through all these crowded streets, but couldn't find anything familiar. A few blocks later, he heard someone called his name.

Sadness fell upon his heart. He was no longer stranger. The magic was gone.

Too Boring to Read

I got on the train with the hope to read someone interesting. In my closest vicinity, I began to observe two young girls talking vehemently. All the necessary-unnecessary words were pouring from their mouths. Like rivers.

I closed my eyes and traveled away from them. I was there. I wasn't there. The words took me here. Took me there. I didn't hear anything. Nor I read. I was at ease. It was my turn to be in peace.

Reading Myself Through Others

In the crowd of people's thoughts, I caught a glimpse of him. He was sitting four seats ahead, right across me. A beautiful young man at his mid-twenties drew my attention in an unknown way. The more I looked at him, the more I thought of me. I realized how long it has been since I asked myself what kind of men I liked most. Blond? Brunette? Tall? Short? I was surprised to find out that I stopped thinking such things and I was sure that was a tiny thing among millions that I ceased to ponder about my life.

At the end of my trip, I voted in dark blonds.

I voted in him.

Nobody

Nobody heard you. Your words deafened me.
Nobody saw you. Your sight blinded me.
Nobody felt you. Your presence killed me.

Heading to London

I'm heading to London, so in the following days I won't be around. Need some inspiration, need some fresh air. See you later!

His Existence

How sacred meanings I attached to his existence. He wasn't a saint and I wasn't an angel. And I know we both failed in this illusion business.

I looked at his pictures again. I couldn't recognize him, as if he was a stranger and we've never met. Year by year, I was amazed to find out how I perfected him in my mind and how much I was willing to continue keeping this picture-in distance.

Others and Me

Man: Everybody thinks you're strange!
Me: I know. It's because they're so worried about others' lives and forget theirs (Pure reality). I am happy I am the strange one. Otherwise what would they talk about?

Lost in Her Own Life

When words cease to carry a meaning, the best remedy is silence, she thought. And this thought freed her mind from its chains and stopped her tears. Sank in silence she was happy. In these moments of silence carried her what she stopped doing long time ago: seeing the pictures of her present life in distance. She got lost among those pictures for hours and hours. One thing made her quite worried though: she couldn't find herself in them. In her own life, she was missing.

Portugal doesn't feel Right Today

Let alone being yourself, acting your unique self is so difficult in Portugal. You're given a mask, a new face as how they want to see you. You're given your role, if you don't act well, you're judged and labelled immediately: a misfit. Your reasons are not even considered. Because in this small country, you aren't supposed to question, but just bow your head and accept. Inside you resent, outside you just smile as all Portugueses do.

Today it feels so boring to live in Portugal as it's never been, so much surrounded by social codes and so many hypocrisies.

And today is my day to drop off my mask, refuse to be a hypocrite.

And just be myself.

Flying and Crashing

I was about to fly but I crashed on the ground...You came and took my wings away. I remained more naked than ever. Perhaps I don't have my wings now, but I have my words.
Will you come and take them too?

In The Crowd of Our Thoughts

In the crowd of our thoughts we were both lonely. Your absence was stronger than your presence and I just didn't know how to deal with this. I didn't think I existed in your life either. The idea of my presence kept you going and I felt this in the very core of my existence. Hugging you was holding on empty dreams, kissing you was meaningless. Yet, the idea of losing you made me breathless. That's how I can summarize our happiness was...in sadness.

Sky

If I was the sky, I would be your shield. I would let the sun shines reach your heart. Warm sun shines would make your blue eyes smile, I know.
At the times I am sad, and you would never know this, I would pour the rain on you. Gray clouds would mirror my gray thoughts. Just to make you understand how I feel at heart. Invisible. Invincible, yet very frangible.
I would expect one thing from you though: to remember...to remember me. Next time you see a rainbow, would you remember me for a second? I will not make it appear every day, of course that would be impossible, but once in a while, I would like to be remembered too.
For, I have never forgotten you.

Battle of Hearts

Her silence was a shelter against his sword-like sharp words. He wanted to pierce through her, get into her blood, make her bleed and suffer. These thoughts ached his heart. Instead, he pierced through his very self and made himself hurt unbearably.

Against all the words he muttered, she took her guard, i.e. her silence, against him. Silence enveloped her like a cocoon and protected her against mortal blow of words by him.

In this battle of hearts, nobody won.

They both lost.

They both hurt. They were both hurt.

Language

My feelings are orphans to be adopted and the words to adopt them never come. They move in my head from one side to another restlessly, in despair.

Today I feel I have no language to tell how much I love you. Certainly, I have no claims on you.

I've not found her yet

I took a long trip, traveled through my memories, faced my fears and worries. To find you. While I was in search of you, I lost myself. I was in need of you, now I am without myself.

When I was lost, someone else found me.

I returned to the point I began-without you. But with someone else.
And me?
I've not found her yet.

He

After a painful birth, he had fallen in life.
A literal act which would repeat itself over the following years in his life.
He would fall and fall and fall.
Until the end of his life.
At the end of his life, he would fall out of life-
Dead.

in Love in Life

First I fell in love with him,
then I fell in life of him.
Now I've fallen out of love
then I know I will be out of his life.

To love and to like

Have you ever thought how much you like your beloved one? How easy to love, how impossible to find someone to like. These thoughts were passing through her mind while she was sitting next to her husband. All her life was in front her, not behind. All her ex-boyfriends presented themselves one by one as if to convince her that they still existed. Indeed they existed in her life, at her present, perhaps more than ever. She remembered how much she liked them. How perfect they seemed!

This was an illusion, why am I sitting here next to this stranger, she asked herself. The next thing she did was to leave the room without saying anything, yet giving him a kiss. A last good-bye kiss.

She

The emotions were at present, words were not. Her throat was filled with the words she didn't have the courage to utter. Her mere existence was crashed into pieces. Her thoughts were clouded and her heart ached. She stopped existing next to him. Her body was there but she wasn't. He walked away. She had long left before him,

Fallen in Life

I have fallen in life. My mind seems to be covered by clouds. I can neither read my mind nor reach my heart. And the words? They just don't come either.
I've fallen in life and continue to fall.

What Words to Utter?

His voice on the other side of the line was fragile. I didn't know what words to utter...What would comfort a man who was taking his steps slowly to his death?

Long breaks during our conversation signified emptiness. An emptiness he was filling by his presence in this world. An emptiness which may not be filled by him soon.

At the edge of his life, he was tired. His words trembled. A sob in his throat ached. Knowing the bitter fact that this may be his very last day, he bit good-bye to his niece in silence.

What words would comfort a man who may die tomorrow?

Your Name

Everything faded into mist.
I prefered not to give you a name, for all the names were forgotten in my world. This was an attempt not to lose you, but this also failed like any other meanings. Before the sunrise, at the dawn, you were gone. Your name remained in my memory though. Each time I recalled it, it rosed a tortured sob in my throat. I wanted to cry. But I couldn't.

Pondering on Death

Only when we get older, we realize that today can be our very last day alive. I don't think I'm afraid of getting older, the only thing that scares me about death is the loss a familiar and the unavoidable feeling of emptiness. An emptiness that can never be filled. An emptiness hurts you forever. The worst part is that a person dies only once, but you die with him/her several times a day.

You

I feel your presence in your absence.
I see my blindness, hear my deafness
and I understand why you were so heartless.

Death

The land was swimming by under my feet. I was floating aimlessly. My conscience was open, I just couldn't know why I was here, floating, and thinking of you.

Living now just wouldn't matter, so would thinking of you.

I took my last breath and sank in peace.

When...

When everyone wanted to take a picture of happiness, I preferred black-and-white scenes.
When everyone wanted to be like everyone else, I wanted to be myself.

When everyone laughed, I cried.
When everyone cried, I took a deep breath, thought a little and dropped these lines.

A Little Longer?

I still wonder why he didn't stay. Why did he have to leave? The world was here with me...

Couldn't he stay a little longer?

He's left with a bitter good-bye. He's left all the world to me. He's left all myself to me.

Happy Father's Day

When I was a child, I used to hold my father's hand strongly and have walks together. Each time I held his hand, my small hand would disappear in his big, well-shaped hand. His hands were so big that he would never grasp my hand but pass his little finger for me to hold. I was so proud holding his little finger, walking beside him for he was akin to the heroes in the stories I was told. His hands evoked such feelings of protection for they were so big and strong.

When one day he fell weak and sick, I never wanted to let his hands slip though mine. But he never let me. "It hurts", he said. He never told whether it was his hand or inside that hurt. While letting his hands go, it hurt-inside me so deeply.

When I saw him for the last time one year and 3 months ago, his hands were the only things that was left alive from his dead body. They were alive in the sense that they brought me all those beautiful tale-like years of my childhood, our laughters and walks on the coast hand-in-hand. While I was letting his colds hands go forever, it hurt, it really hurt so bad inside. I was so hurt to see my hero lay dead.

Happy Father's Day, Daddy...

Loneliness

She was never lonely when she was with herself. Her loneliness occurred only when she was surrounded with people. The people didn't see her. When they did, they didn't hear her words.

She remained in her world deserted, but not lonely.

Tears

The doctor told the little girl that her tears were insufficient. She didn't know what that meant. Scared, she wanted to cry, but she couldn't and she understood what it meant.

"Don't cry over the world", he said. "It's impossible not to," replied the girl. That evening she was completely sad. Thinking of being unable to cry doubled her pain. Until that moment she never realized how much happiness her tears had brought to her. In the past she used to cry for her sufferings, now her happiness turned into her tears.

She and the Words

Nobody understood her relationship with words. While she was smiling, a part of her was crying. She was happy when she was sad and she was sad when she was happy. The meanings ceased to exist in her life. Most of the times, she changed the meanings of the words, played and sometimes mocked with life through her words. That was the life. That was her life-with pure joy.

What else was there to do?

I...

I looked at you and I saw myself.

I ran away from you and I ran away from me.

I realize that I love you only because I have found myself in you. Until the time I discover a part of me more interesting than I've found in you in someone else, I will love you.

In the Empty Streets of My Mind

I ran, ran and ran in the empty streets of my mind. I didn't run after anything else. I was followed by myself, my fears, my hesitations and my dreams. When I reached to the end of the road, I stopped. All my fears, hesitations, worries and dreams also stopped. I wondered where I was, where I was heading, where I would reach. Nowhere was the answer. I started to walk.

To decide and not to let the time fly.

In a Different Place

In the right place, at a different time, I would like to talk to him through my inner voice. Without hesitation, without fear, without second thoughts, directly from my mind, directly from my heart.

I keep wondering why this isn't the right place and why this isn't the right time. Above all could you be able to tell me what holds me back?

Me and My Mother

When I was a little girl, I'd lean my head against my mom's belly and dream about how my 9-month life was inside it. I'd imagine how I'd been nurtured, what I'd think and finally how I'd come out. Years later I would find it surprising: I still feel like a little girl in search for mother's protection, if not in her belly in her arms and if not in her arms in her words.

I miss you so so much mommy...

He and Your Dream

I ran after a dream with boundless reasons. Thought it was you and I could hold onto him. A short while later, I realized that I was wrong. He was far from being you. He was just perfect,but not you...

He

I've seen the lines on his face got deeper, I've seen his very first wrinkles. Nevertheless he continued to have a sweet smile on his face. He was just older. Just like me. The more I looked at him the more I saw my face. And the more I saw his face, the more I got lost in this universe.

Never Land

I left everything behind, came to Never land, didn't take anything from my previous life.
In my second day of my new life, I realized that I didn't bring anything from home but you. I screamed in my thoughts, I yelled at you. I slammed all the doors. I hated you.

This unknown country turned home so quickly.

Kids on Taquile Island

I was sitting at my table at the airport reading my book. To have a short break I began to observe Peruvian families having dinner at nearby tables. Among them, I saw two kids; one boy and a girl, giggling and eating their ice-creams happily. My mind went back to the kids on Taquile Island. A day ago, the kids on Taquile Island with no shoes on their feet and with hopeful eyes were trying to sell me the bracelets they had made. Their timid voices were echoing in my ears. A cluster of sweet whispers, a pair of dark slant eyes and sunburned small hands were choosing the best colors for me.

The kids at the airport were so lucky to be able to buy ice-creams. The kids on the island didn't even know what an ice-cream was.

I started crying, literally bursting into tears.

Among the laughter of others.

No, I didn't buy the bracelets. I only know now, I wish I did.

Venezuelean Police Officer

She asked my name. A silence followed from my side. She repeated the question. I continued to be silent. For the first time in my life, in Venezuela, I felt so detached from my own self. My identity was left behind in a different continent and I was no one and nothing in this new world. These feelings stirred me up and urged me to write down these lines at the airport.

There was nothing else to do.

Back from Latin America

After a long trip to Latin America, I've returned to the point I began:

Here, now and me again.

Heading to South America

How do people wake up to the day over there? What do they dream during the day? What's in their heart as the sun sets? What passes through their minds when the night falls? What do they hope when their eyes closed?

I don't know, but I would like to know. I wonder how they smile, how they look up the sky and what their eyes see different than mine. These wishes will take me to South America. In the following weeks, my pages will be blank, but my heart will be filled. With joy.

More of You

I would like to see more of you, to hear you calling my name, to feel you holding my hand.

I would like to know more of you as I didn’t get enough of you. Time was a bird, it flew and you were already gone.

A Woman Turns 30 Today

Today she turns 30. Will her life be the same as in her 20s?

Only now she started to exist in her world. The way she treated people around her became distanced. Every thing she knew before was unknown., every song she sang by heart was unheard. Day by day, she became a stranger.

And one day, the image appeared on the mirror wasn't her, but a different woman. She put on her coat and got lost on the streets.

Nobody remembered her.

I wonder

While I am writing about my surroundings and these people, I'm sure someone else is also writing about me. Who, When, Where and How, I don't know, but I'd like to know.

He is Hungry! No Further Reading Required.

“I am hungry!” he cried in the metro station. “I’m retired, but the state refuses to pay me what I had paid for 50 years!” Silence covered the station. In his weary look, he was protesting in his own way... What else could he do? Too many things seemed to revolt him and he couldn’t take it any more. He told everyone his story, something that may happen to any of us one day. But, nobody listened. A young girl in front me preferred to change the song she was listening to in her ipod. The ladies next to me sank in their newspapers. Young man leaning against the wall escaped his eyes. People were indifferent. And I, I wanted to look at his eyes and tell him some comforting words, but I couldn’t. I just didn’t know what would comfort him. I felt ashamed to see a sixty-year-old man suffering helplessly in this way at a subway station. I was deeply ashamed, although I wasn’t a part of this silent society.

He Inside Me

Sometimes, unexpectedly and unnecessarily, I show all my bravery.
A short while later, I understand it wasn't me, but it was you inside me made me act in this way.

At other times, unintentionally and unwillingly, I hurt people's feelings. And I feel sad.
A short while later, I understand it wasn't me, but it was you inside me made me hurt them in this way.

Sometimes, stupidly, I tell the words I shouldn't have. And I suffer.
A short while later, I understand it wasn't me, but it was you inside me made me utter all those words.

Most of the times, I feel regretful for my feelings for you,not counting all the bad things you have done.
A short while later, I understand it wasn't me, but it was you inside me made me feel in this silly way.

And now, although I have the entire world to write about, I choose you.
And this time, like any other time, I know it wasn't me, but it was you inside me made me drop all these lines...

Weather Forecast

The planet's predominant weather forecast was sunshine for all day.
Mine had been stormy at all the times.
And I kept wondering why?

Words in South

In South words have no meaning and the words may have all the meaning. You can talk to someone for hours and at the end of the conversation you realize that you haven't spoken anything. At other times you say one word and without any further explanation, all is told.

In South, the moment people open their mouths, the words flow like a river. They flow, flow and flow. I sometimes find myself floating in their river of the words. My imagination goes with this flow and takes me somewhere different, somewhere far from the topic. When I return to the words, I see they are still there continuing: flowing. I catch one word and carry on the conversation as if nothing happened.

My Planet's Crash

My planet crashed against a stranger, against him to be particular. I stood in the middle of the road shaken, wretched and wordless. When I took my eyes off of the ground, I saw him in front me looking at me sweetly. No words exchanged. Those 3 seconds felt like years. I wanted to say something, but no word came out me. Something drew me away from him. I started walking unwillingly. As I walked away, I had a great urge to look back. I couldn't. I had to struggle to be able to. It was almost impossible, but I did. And saw he was no longer there.

9 Years Before, 9 Years Later-Part I

I met him on a flight to Oslo 9 years ago. In the country of darkness, he was the only child of the sunshine. He had radiantly blond hair and icy blue eyes in contrast to his warm heart. He was generous enough to let me get into his gloomy world. The deeper I got in, the more amazed I became. It wasn't the cold weather, but the story of his life froze me upto my bones. The snowy weather's sightseeing ended up in a popular café of Oslo. Hours flew. The man at the café offered us free coffee. He said: "Sunshines and smiling eyes had long passed here." Not understanding exactly what he meant, I responded his words with a sincere smile. He seemed to have seen the things I only began to see 9 years later.

Late

He would stay up late every night. When his alarm clock rang, the first thing he would say that he was late. He would rush to his office and he was late.
When his daughter came home, before even greeting her, he would say "you're late". She would wonder why she was always late when there were no hours had been set.
One day his death appeared at his door. He was late again, he thought. He left his life when he still had time to stay.And this time he definitely wasn't late. He was merely late before being late.

Our Universe

Every little particle is our memories and when they come together is our universe. But I know our particles will never come together.

In a different part of this universe, I will keep on writing, sometimes to forget, sometimes to remember and more importantly to keep you alive, if not in my life at my heart.

She

It had always been her dream. She wanted it so much that she thought if she died afterwards, it just wouldn't matter.

She got her dream realized. Then arrived time to die. She didn't want it. It mattered. There were sunrises and sunsets to be seen, rains to be sunk in, the earth to feel under her feet...

All the ugly people around her now looked beautiful. Only now she had begun to see.

People

On my left was sitting an old lady with a small face full of wrinkles. She was sunk in deep thoughts. On my right was a young mother with a little baby in her arms, trying to calm him down, failing to understand the baby solely needed love rather than a "hush!". In front of me standing an old man whose shoulders were sagged and seemed no longer willing to carry his worries on them. Across him was another old lady, talking to her reflection on the window, so lonely. On the other side were two friends. One was talking endlessly, the other doing nothing but nodding her head.

I felt I was surrounded by lonely people. Hundreds and hundreds of lonely people crossed my way today. People never seemed to me so lonely, so desperate and so sad as today.

I returned

I returned. I turned back to my body. I turned back to my mind. It had been a long time since I saw my body and mind walking together. My mind was always drifted away to some distant places. My spirits were drooped. At last, I was smiling again. At last I was beginning to exist in my surroundings. I began to see. I turned my face to bleaming sun over my head and saw gray clouds were nearby. A heaviness fell upon my chest.