Back to Istanbul...

Never seen your tears so painfully...
Never heard your silence under screaming skies...
Never felt your loneliness among this crowd...
Never thought I've ever existed in your smile...
Now,
I see, I hear, I feel and
I fear...
I fear both for you and me...

Story of 'No', 'Thing', 'Every', 'Body'...

No exists in Thing
Nothing reveals Everything
Every meets Thing and seach for a Body
When Every fails to find, it turns to No
No finds and kisses the Body and they become
Nobody...

I heard you called my name...
I heard you gave me a different name...

I heard you called my name...
I heard you gave me a different name...

Never confessed myself of its existence but it did exist. It existed deep down in my conscious.
Never tried to confront, instead I pushed it down and down, deeper and deeper day by day...
and never wanted to see it.
But...I saw it, I've seen it several times and I know I'll never stop seeing it-
It was razor sharp silence.
It was pain.
It was a deep wound made me suffer, made all suffer.
All existed.
All exists...Even today...As vivid as yesterday...

His face was full of wrinkles...When I touched them, I traveled through life. I studied every little line on his hands; feeling them completely on the tip of my smooth fingers... Those lines took me into life, passed me through all the stages, made me see and intoxicated me...It was during one of those trips, I have lost my youth...somewhere...at some irreversable place...

It was a trip of a middle-aged man in seek of his lost manhood. He was insecure, he was a failure. And he was traveling... He thought after passing the borders, he would not need his identity. Different lands, different people promise different masks for travelers. Thus, he replaced his passport in his bag, welcomed his new self, forgetting the fact that the ID he had in his bag was still a part of him, still some reflection of legal stuff about him, but still so true...

Whom he was fooling?
Whom he was celebrating?
Nobody.
But himself.
He thought he could restore what he was lacking inside
He thought he would feel more "man" with lots of women.
But how possibly could he feel that while he was a failure with ONE?
Lots of women,
Lots of failure.
Could he ever understand that?

Once I had a dream, a dream that I never wanted it lasted. But, it did.
Sunlights that had awaken me from this dream guided me to twilight zone...

Under the infinite sky, being enchanted by its beauty, I loved a sparkling star, a start I thought unattainable.
When the night entirely fell upon, I realized that I was 'the star'...

Dancing on the dream fantasy line recklessly, I stumbled down. I stumbled down in reality.

Once in a dream, with infinity at my heart, I learned to love. I learned to surrender myself to your love.

I love you IN real.

Date: July 24, 2003
Location: Ataturk Airport, Istanbul

She was reluctant to leave. She felt nothingness in her mere existence so profoundly. The words that she valued much appeared to lose all their meanings. The world was turning, she was turning her back all the things she has once seen.

They were there, standing, with a great affliction inside, sobbing.

She was there walking away, causing nothing but pure pain.

Once upon a time I fell in love with a guy and I left him. Once upon another time, I was in love again and I ran away from him.
Yesterday, I loved a guy, yes, once again; today I still do and tomorrow I will run to him...

The Virgin Prostitutes…Never tasted love with their body; neither gave nor received…Who are they? They are merely the Virgin Prostitutes, never been there, but always pretended to be there...

Istanbul and I...

Completing one another, existing in each other, falling separated somehow however...

Desiring and hating, wanting and neglecting, and in the end getting separated with passion ever lasting, one me and one Istanbul...

Your taste, your pleasure will always be with me, where ever I go, even in this very moment I say good-bye to you reluctantly...

Whereever I may be, I will be with you along the distances...

And I know I'll be missing to get lost in your arms and to make-love with your wind...

I know...I just know...

The fact...

I and Istanbul, forever...

Farewells At Different Places...

Year: 1999
Location: Aarhus University, Denmark.
Description: After a warm farewell, I get out of the car. The wind messes all my hair up, I want to turn back, look and wave at him as I always used to do. But, some power prevents me, pushes me to walk forward, and I continue to walk without turning back, without being able to turn back, and see him. I perfectly know that he is waiting for the signal-the signal of reunion after this warm farewell...
And I keep on walking with feeling that all the complicated feelings, the complicated and intensive feelings I encounter inside numb all my senses...

Year:2000
Location: Aaalborg Airport, Denmark
Description: I am now leaving...I feel that I will not come back...After our farewell, I turn back...But I can't see him...I walk a little and again turn back, I know that he is there waiting for me but, still can't see...Perhaps, it was too late to see...

Year:2000
Location: Ankara Esenboga Airport, Turkey
Description: He is going away...He is going away without turning his back...I look at my reflection on the airport windows and bit goodbye to my reflection, hoping not to see again...

Year:2002
Location: Istanbul Ataturk Airport, Turkey
Description: He is leaving...He is turning back and looking at me in every step he takes...

I'm not alone, but I feel so lonely...

I know you,yet I don't have a clue about you.
You're so known to me as much as you are so stranger.
We met before...We're together!
Impossible
We've never met before..We never came together
Was that a dream?
We leave each other with questionmarks.

Tonight I realized that I belong to an interior race who can actually see what is going on in exterior.

It was long time ago...We were driving some place, Sherly Crow's soft voice was waffling from the radio..."You're my favorite mistake"...I remember your reaction when I started singing the song with Sherly...You asked me if you were my favorite mistake...How could I answer this...My life is full of mistakes...and now I understand what you implied. Yes, you are my favorite mistake...A favorite mistake...Even today, I still suffer from this mistake...My biggest mistake was stealing your dreams...I only understand you today and I know you understood me in the first place...

A mere product of a collective demand. Whom am I talking about? Of course,myself! Today I feel I'm the "Other" and I don't have a clue about my existence. With universal expectations, with meanings imposed upon my subconscious, I can easily be found in this society...

They say 'the truth speaks through the mouths of children', the little girl looked in the eye of the old man and spoke his death through her mouth ...The old man affectionately sympathized her vivacious plays around him, for he knew from the beginning that the ultimate truth in this, in his short life, is death, if nothing else.


'All children are mirrors of death' J.P.Sarte

Take everything from me...Take all what I have...I know you will be happy...

-

Incomplete Womenhood...Incomplete Manhood...What's left Incomplete Humanity...

Photogenic Society...

A society that requires its members to take a 'noble' stance and pose delicately in their photograps...The ones who comply with the rules and appear delicate in the pictures are regarded 'photogenic', whereas the ones who refuse to take a 'noble' stance are taken 'out of this picture'. This is how our 'modern' society functions at the present.

The deep darkness of the city was revealing the unspoken hidden secrets in that evening...

-What's wrong?
-Nothing...Why?
-You seem so down
-I was merely thinking...
(Pulling him closer to herself)
-...merely thinking...of what, would you like to know?Of how deep I love you...

I sometimes wonder if we human beings have any ability other than making ourselves believe in non-existent truths? While thr truth is right there, why all this rush, lies and dreams? I do not understand-

When all eyes are imprisoning us, how much alone we really are, my love, could you tell me?
Take off all your clothes and dance with me,
I want to be alone in our love tonight...

His screams silence me down, whereas My silence deafens him...My unuttered words touched him and his words hurt me so deeply.
Weird communication...
A smooth and slow process of murdering...
In some years, we'll both kill some part of ourselves...
I guess this is what they call love?
THAT sickens me!

Slavery Abolished? Mm, I don’t think so!

I kindly reject all values given to me on behalf of "my" happiness today. I reject to play this game with its pre-determined rules. I reject to be entitled as ‘killjoy’, ‘exceptional’, ‘misfit’ due to my pursuant of what I believe. I reject to be enslaved by invisible chains, instead I strongly believe the freedom of every individual. I reject to take life with closed eyes, for I have bigger eyes and smiling face than the most.
As I always tell, I’m not a rebel but just an individual determined to pursue her own truth.
Today, I celebrate myself.

Why am I writing all these? Why am I trying to express myself? Do I mean anything with my words? Do they really convey what I intent to say? Would it matter? I guess not.
For soon I’ll die with my words
Spoken here and
Shall be unspoken never
Ever

It’s pin drop silence, I scream. But my screams are not heard.
It’s pitch dark, I turn all the lights on. But can’t penetrate the darkness. Locked in this room, I crave for my escape.
I call my name. My head just spins around with the echoes of my name. I look up to the ceiling, my eyes get dazzled with the sharp light, and my journey begins.
My pictures of my world are shed into broken images, if nothing, and oddly enough I am not among them.
Can this be real?
Or
I’m simply hallucinating? I don’t know but I continue to let these images pass through my mind unceasingly…
Tonight, I’m dead, guys, so, see you tomorrow!