...Borrowing my future from the present, getting prepared to welcome the New Year with utmost hopes, waving all the worries good-bye, I wish all of you a Merry Christmas and a Happy HAPPY New Year!
Wednesday, December 25, 2002
Saturday, December 21, 2002
Who is He?
He is a son, He is a lover, He is a husband, He is a saint, He is a loser...He is here to ....have a child.
His lost was the greatest at his birth; He was taken away from what sheltered, protected and vitalized him; his mother's womb....
It is for this very reason, every passing minute is a loss of his life, for his fears in this unprotected world are leading him gradually towards his unavoidable end; death...This knowledge, consciously or not, created a fear of fall in him...He wanted a child to supress this fear. Only a child would give the intimacy once he had in his mother's womb. Just like the core of his existence, his realities will soon to fall apart and appear absurd in this meaningless life, just like everybody else
He is a son, He is a lover, He is a husband, He is a saint, He is a loser...He is here to ....have a child.
His lost was the greatest at his birth; He was taken away from what sheltered, protected and vitalized him; his mother's womb....
It is for this very reason, every passing minute is a loss of his life, for his fears in this unprotected world are leading him gradually towards his unavoidable end; death...This knowledge, consciously or not, created a fear of fall in him...He wanted a child to supress this fear. Only a child would give the intimacy once he had in his mother's womb. Just like the core of his existence, his realities will soon to fall apart and appear absurd in this meaningless life, just like everybody else
Who is She?
She is a daugther, She is a lover, She is a mother, She is a wife, She is an angel, She is a bitch...She is here to peel all her masks off and strip herself naked...Masks fall off one by one as she swings with rhythm...When the music is over She stands stark naked under the colorful spot lights...It is now the reflection of colorful lights wraps her image and makes her appear invisible...By tearing off her clothes, She wished the world to see her naked on the stage...An illusion...An impossible dream...Only tears rolling down from her cheeks and dancing colors on her skin were to visible to her audience, nothing else.
She is a daugther, She is a lover, She is a mother, She is a wife, She is an angel, She is a bitch...She is here to peel all her masks off and strip herself naked...Masks fall off one by one as she swings with rhythm...When the music is over She stands stark naked under the colorful spot lights...It is now the reflection of colorful lights wraps her image and makes her appear invisible...By tearing off her clothes, She wished the world to see her naked on the stage...An illusion...An impossible dream...Only tears rolling down from her cheeks and dancing colors on her skin were to visible to her audience, nothing else.
Monday, December 09, 2002
Wednesday, November 27, 2002
I was a stranger to this place, to these surroundings, to those faces, to these eyes,to these sounds...
But I was a native to these feelings, to this sky,to these stars, to this inner language guiding me to decipher the hidden meanings in this foreign land, consoling me along with its own silent echoes occuring deep down in my land...
But I was a native to these feelings, to this sky,to these stars, to this inner language guiding me to decipher the hidden meanings in this foreign land, consoling me along with its own silent echoes occuring deep down in my land...
Tuesday, November 26, 2002
Saturday, November 23, 2002
The cold-ice, shievering, horrifying feelings I receive from you, give a deep shock to my drowsy conscious at times...Although these cold feelings hurt me deep down,it awakens my pure existence, my sleeping humanity...and perhaps it is that's why I still love you with such complicated feelings.
Sometimes the words you utter freeze my entire thoughts...The flow of my thoughts first freeze, showing no life signals for a long while...and then the warmness of the blood in my veins starts defreezing the ice blogs slowly...It is in this particular moment, I come to realization of my existence, that I am alive, with the feelings I have for you, with the coldness you give to me at times...It urges the concealed life in me so intensely that I feel much more alive...When the process of defreezing is completed, I understand you much better, and the cruelty, the rigidness and the unjustness of your attitudes do not upset me any longer.
With the warming and freezing feelings you introduce to me at times, with my indifferent, frozen and drowsy conscience, I do and will continue to exist...So blissfully and so hurt, so happy and so broken, I'm determined to track on this way...
Sometimes the words you utter freeze my entire thoughts...The flow of my thoughts first freeze, showing no life signals for a long while...and then the warmness of the blood in my veins starts defreezing the ice blogs slowly...It is in this particular moment, I come to realization of my existence, that I am alive, with the feelings I have for you, with the coldness you give to me at times...It urges the concealed life in me so intensely that I feel much more alive...When the process of defreezing is completed, I understand you much better, and the cruelty, the rigidness and the unjustness of your attitudes do not upset me any longer.
With the warming and freezing feelings you introduce to me at times, with my indifferent, frozen and drowsy conscience, I do and will continue to exist...So blissfully and so hurt, so happy and so broken, I'm determined to track on this way...
Wednesday, November 20, 2002
However far away you may be before my eyes, I will love you not with my eyes but with my mind...Although I am unable to see you, touch you, you are always with me in my thoughts and inside my world...Perhaps this is for the last time my eyes touching you, seeing you...But you should know that existing in my mind, among my endless thoughts, you will always be with me till the last moment of my life...It is therefore I will love you not only today, not this very passing minute, but every following day, forever, till my time, my seconds ceases to fly away...I wish you knew how much I love you and your living image inside me!
Thursday, November 14, 2002
- I love you, Eda
-...
...Silence...Ultimate silence...I took a refuge in my inmost self...An irresistable urge to walk away... to disappear...With a puzzled, horrified conscious, I wanted to leave him there, run through the floating seconds of the water clock, though knowing the fact that my steps would fail to carry me to the following minute...I struggled to exist in this moment merely...The words and their meanings he has just presented to me were twirling endlessly in my head... He would never understand...While his eyes were still matching mine, I smiled, touched to his face and started walking...running...flying...flowing...seeing...reflecting with all the illusions passing through my head...
Yet
Running with
Not Away
-...
...Silence...Ultimate silence...I took a refuge in my inmost self...An irresistable urge to walk away... to disappear...With a puzzled, horrified conscious, I wanted to leave him there, run through the floating seconds of the water clock, though knowing the fact that my steps would fail to carry me to the following minute...I struggled to exist in this moment merely...The words and their meanings he has just presented to me were twirling endlessly in my head... He would never understand...While his eyes were still matching mine, I smiled, touched to his face and started walking...running...flying...flowing...seeing...reflecting with all the illusions passing through my head...
Yet
Running with
Not Away
Wednesday, November 13, 2002
Phew! Such a long break! My blog has been giving me troubles almost for ages now! Fortunately,here I am back to "life" once again. Below,I'm posting all the messages of my former blog. Cheers!
What was that?
Was that your eyes
or
My curious eyes newly learning to see?
Was that your smile
or
it was my bliss?
Was that my perfection, your insecurities
or
your intimacity, my fragility?
Was that my role
or
it was your sweet mask?
Was that pure nothing
or everything all at once?
What was that?
[edit]
[8/26/2002 2:31:50 PM | Eda Sirma]
I took a long trip
And returned to the point I began,
Moved with stars, with the wind,
With the flood, with the waves,
Through ages, through civilizations,
Through history, through the first man,
Danced with thunder,
felt its striking power all around me,
Sailed on the clouds to the dark, secret
Castle of 'Him',
Met 'Him'
On the burning desires of horizons
Kissed by lightning, made love with storms
Awakening the Self inside.
Fell on the earth as a rain drop-
Just as the others, just as precious as them
With a shaken,incomplete soul -, perplexing questions in the mind,
With no identity
With nameless feelings, profound wounds
A pure solitude as destiny
An unmeaningful complexity as eternal sentence
I took a long trip
And returned to the point I began
With something missing deep down inside
[edit]
[8/22/2002 11:33:16 PM | Eda Sirma]
It was very early in the morning, we were already waken up before the alarm clock. We were not talking at all, exchanging glances, he was playing with my hair, and I was gazing out of the window, watching the falling snow flakes. Never knowing spending the last hours together, forever, we were putting all our efforts to delay that particular moment of separation. That was nothing unusual, rather occasional, as we both used to such separations. But this time, there was something binding us to each other stronger than ever. My moves were so slow as an attempt to slow down the time. Yet his moves were rather quick, rushing back and forth in the room. Few seconds later, it caught my attention that he was reluctantly avoiding me, he grabbed my bags and went to the garage to put them into the car. He was never good at acting, even in the moments he only needed to be himself, he was weeping so silently…As a last attempt when we arrived to the airport, we even tried to postpone my departure, to return the time. Too late. In vain. I’ve already lost my child in my dreams. My little child has gone too far away…
Having lost my child;
I have lost my self.
I have lost
Just-
Lost…
Has anyone seen my child? Has anyone seen my little one around?
[edit]
[8/20/2002 7:00:03 PM | Eda Sirma]
Par Del A Les Nuages...
In the past, I used to long for my future...Now, at the present, I'm longing for my past by moving back and forth between the past and the future along with my present's feelings and sincere concerns of you and me...Why don't you just relinquish yourself from the constrains of a timeless space, remaining isolated yet sparkling all over -up- there, and join to seize the day with me, again, to enjoy our mystery occurred in past; may have referred to future; and could only be lived today?
[edit]
[8/19/2002 11:53:00 AM | Eda Sirma]
There were no words to be spoken. With time standing still as you were lying on my lap, there were just you and me, my love, surrounded with obscure feelings connected us once, and led us surrender ourselves secretly to the night.
The city was wearing her most fascinating dress at that night. That dark dream- dress was put so elegantly on the sleeping city that every tiny flickering sparkle of her dark dress was revealing our secret dreams, concealed in delicate rhymes of the sleep, waiting timidly to be glanced at once in a while.
In this drowsy view of the city, we, two strangers, with totally different backgrounds, yet acquainted feelings met under the same sky, which had been falling upon us as the night went by.
Our roles were set on this occult night's stage already, and waiting for the right time for the right move failed in this reality. After all, time did not exist for us at that night: every move was right, signifying its solid accurateness, and every minute referred to a great timing, denying its existence. We were there just to have this moment, together to exist in night's ever lasting memories.
Millions of thoughts were crossing my mind, wandering endlessly back and forth on the imaginary reality of this particular moment. It was the urge to confront reality drew me closer to his lips, without knowing the consequences of reality would convert to fantasy instantly.
Touching of lips, trashing of tongues is the sum how that exquisite moment occurred. I felt connected to him in an unknown way, in a very obscure way that the more passionately I kept on kissing him, the less sure I became of what I was kissing. That particular night, he and me let the cheese moon and dreaming city in on our secret, the rest was meaningless.
Since then I'm lost in this universe, with a restless conscious, tracing my path by pursuing the star dusts, remained from a summer night's dream, with everlasting hope to reach "there'; blinded with sublime darkness, with no time to sustain, will my floating conscious ever find him again?
Sunday, August 18, 2002
Swim in me, my love...Get rid of my waves...Dive in depth and...
Reach me...
The voice of the sea whispers, the smell of the sea intoxicates, takes you far away and seduces...
Flow with me, my love...Just come and...
Reach me...
Thursday, July 04, 2002
My first encounter with an emotionally pre-ejaculator boy occurred during my first days at school, when I was 6-year-old. It was one of the curious days of the first weeks, when everyone was trying to get used to classes by the aid of teachers and all the efforts were put to give us a "sweet" atmosphere by making us acquainted with each other, On such one of those days, I was standing at the dustbin, sharpening my pencils, then my classmate, wearing black framed eye-glasses, through which he appeared so timid, popped out next to me. We both were solely performing the same job during which a couple of times I caught his eyes on me, but I did not pay attention. Few seconds later, out of blue, he told me that "You are so beautiful, Eda, I love you". The world ceased turning! Time was paused! Things lost all their meanings in the eye of a little girl in the following flying seconds. Having been so perplexed by his words, I was stirred, terrified, stunned, yet, with an endless attempt, still trying to decipher what he had given me; the first enigma of my life. Without uttering a single word, with having my entire world tumbled down, I left him there, turned back to my desk. What I inherited from this moment is still with me today; a knot of ambiguity still exhibits itself on certain occasions like this. Who knows,
this event perhaps even clarifies why, today, I am still compliment& I-love-you-stricken, Mmh..?
Eda Sirma 12:07 AM
Wednesday, July 03, 2002
Among millions of meaningless words, my mind was travelling back and forth in my petty world. The notes you are going to read are the products of such unique moments in Eda's life. Perhaps one day these letters will convey a meaning, but for now what we all need to know is to take them as they are provided. Like everything, there will be a time for these sentences to convey a meaning to the ones in search for a meaning. For the rest, these will be nothing but just scrabbling of a nuts one, which, I must admit, is quite true,also!
It was one of those moments when I had the urge to drop some lines. I don't really know why, but I just had this strong irresistible urge. I guess I'm bored at listening other people's story, and now want to have some time for my own...
And here my mind go..floating...
It was all my desire to see what was concealed beyond the horizons that receded each time I approached to them.....
It was all my desire to follow every question mark in my head until I got lost in the middle of no where.-just like right now-
It was all my desire to see more than what my eyes could show to me.
It was all my desire to feel more than I could.
It was all my desire to reveal what was hidden beneath what I thought I had seen, what I thought I had dreamt, what I thought I had believed , what I thought I had lived, what I thought I had existed in...
It was all my desire to fall in love with the distances, feeling being belonged to nowhere and nobodyelse, to overcome time and space to feel the very core of my existence in this universe...
It was all my desire to reach far-distanced horizons, and when I reached there it was all my desire to return to what it, then, became far away...
It was all my desire...
Saturday, June 29, 2002
I was just looking up to the sky few minutes ago and some ideas followed up: I wonder how it would be if we replaced the sky with sea? Come to think about it; diving into night, swimming with sparkling stars or watching all the beauty of a white whale flying over our heads... I don't know what you think, but I liked this idea! Does my allergy pills have to do anything with this?
"I'm diving into night, baby. Catch me If you can"
Eda Sirma 2:41 PM
Friday, June 28, 2002
-Can you tell me about life a little?
-The one existing in me or my concealed life in you?
-Um...
What was that?
Was that your eyes
or
My curious eyes newly learning to see?
Was that your smile
or
it was my bliss?
Was that my perfection, your insecurities
or
your intimacity, my fragility?
Was that my role
or
it was your sweet mask?
Was that pure nothing
or everything all at once?
What was that?
[edit]
[8/26/2002 2:31:50 PM | Eda Sirma]
I took a long trip
And returned to the point I began,
Moved with stars, with the wind,
With the flood, with the waves,
Through ages, through civilizations,
Through history, through the first man,
Danced with thunder,
felt its striking power all around me,
Sailed on the clouds to the dark, secret
Castle of 'Him',
Met 'Him'
On the burning desires of horizons
Kissed by lightning, made love with storms
Awakening the Self inside.
Fell on the earth as a rain drop-
Just as the others, just as precious as them
With a shaken,incomplete soul -, perplexing questions in the mind,
With no identity
With nameless feelings, profound wounds
A pure solitude as destiny
An unmeaningful complexity as eternal sentence
I took a long trip
And returned to the point I began
With something missing deep down inside
[edit]
[8/22/2002 11:33:16 PM | Eda Sirma]
It was very early in the morning, we were already waken up before the alarm clock. We were not talking at all, exchanging glances, he was playing with my hair, and I was gazing out of the window, watching the falling snow flakes. Never knowing spending the last hours together, forever, we were putting all our efforts to delay that particular moment of separation. That was nothing unusual, rather occasional, as we both used to such separations. But this time, there was something binding us to each other stronger than ever. My moves were so slow as an attempt to slow down the time. Yet his moves were rather quick, rushing back and forth in the room. Few seconds later, it caught my attention that he was reluctantly avoiding me, he grabbed my bags and went to the garage to put them into the car. He was never good at acting, even in the moments he only needed to be himself, he was weeping so silently…As a last attempt when we arrived to the airport, we even tried to postpone my departure, to return the time. Too late. In vain. I’ve already lost my child in my dreams. My little child has gone too far away…
Having lost my child;
I have lost my self.
I have lost
Just-
Lost…
Has anyone seen my child? Has anyone seen my little one around?
[edit]
[8/20/2002 7:00:03 PM | Eda Sirma]
Par Del A Les Nuages...
In the past, I used to long for my future...Now, at the present, I'm longing for my past by moving back and forth between the past and the future along with my present's feelings and sincere concerns of you and me...Why don't you just relinquish yourself from the constrains of a timeless space, remaining isolated yet sparkling all over -up- there, and join to seize the day with me, again, to enjoy our mystery occurred in past; may have referred to future; and could only be lived today?
[edit]
[8/19/2002 11:53:00 AM | Eda Sirma]
There were no words to be spoken. With time standing still as you were lying on my lap, there were just you and me, my love, surrounded with obscure feelings connected us once, and led us surrender ourselves secretly to the night.
The city was wearing her most fascinating dress at that night. That dark dream- dress was put so elegantly on the sleeping city that every tiny flickering sparkle of her dark dress was revealing our secret dreams, concealed in delicate rhymes of the sleep, waiting timidly to be glanced at once in a while.
In this drowsy view of the city, we, two strangers, with totally different backgrounds, yet acquainted feelings met under the same sky, which had been falling upon us as the night went by.
Our roles were set on this occult night's stage already, and waiting for the right time for the right move failed in this reality. After all, time did not exist for us at that night: every move was right, signifying its solid accurateness, and every minute referred to a great timing, denying its existence. We were there just to have this moment, together to exist in night's ever lasting memories.
Millions of thoughts were crossing my mind, wandering endlessly back and forth on the imaginary reality of this particular moment. It was the urge to confront reality drew me closer to his lips, without knowing the consequences of reality would convert to fantasy instantly.
Touching of lips, trashing of tongues is the sum how that exquisite moment occurred. I felt connected to him in an unknown way, in a very obscure way that the more passionately I kept on kissing him, the less sure I became of what I was kissing. That particular night, he and me let the cheese moon and dreaming city in on our secret, the rest was meaningless.
Since then I'm lost in this universe, with a restless conscious, tracing my path by pursuing the star dusts, remained from a summer night's dream, with everlasting hope to reach "there'; blinded with sublime darkness, with no time to sustain, will my floating conscious ever find him again?
Sunday, August 18, 2002
Swim in me, my love...Get rid of my waves...Dive in depth and...
Reach me...
The voice of the sea whispers, the smell of the sea intoxicates, takes you far away and seduces...
Flow with me, my love...Just come and...
Reach me...
Thursday, July 04, 2002
My first encounter with an emotionally pre-ejaculator boy occurred during my first days at school, when I was 6-year-old. It was one of the curious days of the first weeks, when everyone was trying to get used to classes by the aid of teachers and all the efforts were put to give us a "sweet" atmosphere by making us acquainted with each other, On such one of those days, I was standing at the dustbin, sharpening my pencils, then my classmate, wearing black framed eye-glasses, through which he appeared so timid, popped out next to me. We both were solely performing the same job during which a couple of times I caught his eyes on me, but I did not pay attention. Few seconds later, out of blue, he told me that "You are so beautiful, Eda, I love you". The world ceased turning! Time was paused! Things lost all their meanings in the eye of a little girl in the following flying seconds. Having been so perplexed by his words, I was stirred, terrified, stunned, yet, with an endless attempt, still trying to decipher what he had given me; the first enigma of my life. Without uttering a single word, with having my entire world tumbled down, I left him there, turned back to my desk. What I inherited from this moment is still with me today; a knot of ambiguity still exhibits itself on certain occasions like this. Who knows,
this event perhaps even clarifies why, today, I am still compliment& I-love-you-stricken, Mmh..?
Eda Sirma 12:07 AM
Wednesday, July 03, 2002
Among millions of meaningless words, my mind was travelling back and forth in my petty world. The notes you are going to read are the products of such unique moments in Eda's life. Perhaps one day these letters will convey a meaning, but for now what we all need to know is to take them as they are provided. Like everything, there will be a time for these sentences to convey a meaning to the ones in search for a meaning. For the rest, these will be nothing but just scrabbling of a nuts one, which, I must admit, is quite true,also!
It was one of those moments when I had the urge to drop some lines. I don't really know why, but I just had this strong irresistible urge. I guess I'm bored at listening other people's story, and now want to have some time for my own...
And here my mind go..floating...
It was all my desire to see what was concealed beyond the horizons that receded each time I approached to them.....
It was all my desire to follow every question mark in my head until I got lost in the middle of no where.-just like right now-
It was all my desire to see more than what my eyes could show to me.
It was all my desire to feel more than I could.
It was all my desire to reveal what was hidden beneath what I thought I had seen, what I thought I had dreamt, what I thought I had believed , what I thought I had lived, what I thought I had existed in...
It was all my desire to fall in love with the distances, feeling being belonged to nowhere and nobodyelse, to overcome time and space to feel the very core of my existence in this universe...
It was all my desire to reach far-distanced horizons, and when I reached there it was all my desire to return to what it, then, became far away...
It was all my desire...
Saturday, June 29, 2002
I was just looking up to the sky few minutes ago and some ideas followed up: I wonder how it would be if we replaced the sky with sea? Come to think about it; diving into night, swimming with sparkling stars or watching all the beauty of a white whale flying over our heads... I don't know what you think, but I liked this idea! Does my allergy pills have to do anything with this?
"I'm diving into night, baby. Catch me If you can"
Eda Sirma 2:41 PM
Friday, June 28, 2002
-Can you tell me about life a little?
-The one existing in me or my concealed life in you?
-Um...
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