Should I?

Should I stop caring? Should I stop thinking of you once in a while? Should I simply stop writing as you did? You will give me the answer. Or else, I just keep waiting.

Your Words

I know you have long erased me from your life. Our long loving memories turned into a dust in this universe. But, I still wait and I will keep on waiting. Here. In this city. For your words. To arrive.

Coincidence

It was a glimpse of coincidence that made our encounter possible. I looked at him, he saw me. The young man I saw turned into a little boy once I used to know. In the next minutes we were hugging each other as we were those little girl and boy 18 years ago. I was lost in time and he saved me and brought me back to day.

Time

I thought the pain inside me would never cease, it shattered me into pieces.

I thought time would always stand still with your absence. The time had stopped then. Those days were years. All with your absence.

Almost four years have passed.
The years are just some days in the past now.

Underground Readings

I saw her at the underground station. She didn't see me, just as she didn't see the rest of the world. I kept looking at her. She was a young, beautiful woman, looking at my direction in her pitch-dark world. Her brown waivy hair fluttered in the air as the train was fading away from her. Inside the train, I continuted to look at her. While vanishing in the dark, I was so sure she saw if not me, my feelings.

Falling

I tried to catch a hold of your hand before falling into a deep emptiness. You pointed me a wall. I looked at the wall, I looked at you. I just couldn't help falling while my eyes were still on you.

Dream

We ceased to be the persons once we used to be. You and me are not anymore a part of this reality. Now we became a dream; a mid-summer’s night dream.

Me

He looked at me, I stared out of window and watched the beautiful landscape. He talked to me, I listened to my favorite song playing on the radio.
He touched me, it wasn't me anymore.

He

Those feelings were strangers to me. I would never feel those he described, I would never get lost in his eyes the way he did in mine.

And he would never catch my rhyme.

Circles

Existing in a circle, she was surrounded by millions of other circles. All of them somehow connected to her; Some shared some moments with her, the others a life. But neither made her feel embraced. She stood there among all of them, uniquely lonely, but still happy.

Pforzheim Hauptbahnof, Germany

The emptiness of my existence was echoing in my ears. I was neither happy nor sad, I was reduced to nothingness. The further I walked away from Pforzheim Hauptbahnof, the further I became away from the rest of the world. I found myself falling into pieces in an endless emptiness.

60 Seconds with You

In my last 60 seconds with you, I crashed against a wall, I fell in an emptiness, I hit the ground, I was shattered; I was in million pieces. But, still I continued to smile.

Everything was so unreal and you had gone with all my memories.

Roads

The roads I chose, the roads you chose, within the same direction, parallel to one another, yet with different people. I glance at you, I am that close to you and I see you. Yes, it could have been me. She could have been me, but I know you are still that close to me...

The only road we didn't take was words. They remained as the road not taken. Both by you and me.

A Man Without a Name

He had such lovely blue eyes. What did they do to you? Why did you go insane? You needed to talk, I listened to you. You needed to be loved, I kissed you. In the lonely streets of Lisbon, I hope all is well with you.

My Mind

My mind is drifting. I see images flying before my eyes and I can't catch any of them. You are in one of them, but I am far from it. I just can't find myself in any of them.

You

While everything around me was running, I stopped to kiss you.
Even my eyes closed I could feel the entire world spinning around me. Once I stopped, you hugged me and I continued my way. I jumped into the running world where I belonged to.
I found myself running with a sweet taste of your kiss. That made me smile and gave me the urge to look back.

But when I looked back, you were left way behind.

I

I breathe a different air, I am under different skies. The tides of my thoughts take me closer to you. When I return and when you find a different person in me, will you still love me?

Very Strange and Very Familiar

All the world was known and I wasn't familiar. Now I am just one of them...

Me at Her Wedding

While these two people were sharing their secrets, their most special feelings, their memories through a few seconds of glimpses, I was between them. I saw, I felt deeply everything they went through. I whispered into my love's ear: "It could have been you..."

At Her Wedding

She was walking through the aisle of the church with her newly-married husband. With a big smile on her face, she was greeting the guests...All familiar faces; friends, family and relatives were looking at her admiringly. There was only one person looking at her differently and another, that was me, observantly. While she was passing through the crowd, she caught a glimpse of him. She wasn't sure what she saw, she looked at him again. There he was, a man whom she loved once.

Nothingness

She never understood what he tried to say. In the middle of nothingness how could he try to mean something? How?

She

It was a trip to find beauties, but she was constantly greeted by poverty, sadness and hopelessness. The day brought nothing to these lost souls. The day brought a lot to her. For them each day was a day of fight, a day to survive. For her each day was to enjoy. Grasping her some-thousand Euro worth camera firmly in her hands, she saw a little boy smiling at her. Thousands of miles, she thought. No landscape, no monument, nothing was worth this much. Her heart ached and later her camera's shutter release was heard.

He and Me

He was the only person who knew who I was, but he was far, far away. I ran to catch up with time, I ran to catch up with him. I failed. Time continued to fly and I was blinded.
When I finally began to see, he was left behind and I was already someone else.

Story of Time

The flowers first blossomed then faded. You asked me to wait.
The time neither flew nor stood still for me.

I was time. Behind me nothing existed.

Germany

Nothing to lose, but a country. A lot to leave behind- entire family.
Money in rich countries bring further poverty.
Today I am in Germany and observing this very closely.

Last Lisbon Metro Reading until 2009

People look more beautiful than they are in distance. Her delicate face enchanted me in the crowd. I couldn't just help it; I gazed at her secretly during my entire trip. These were my awkward attempts to get some clues about her life. But her beauty was an obstacle. It shadowed all what was about her. There weren't any clues but her pure beauty before my eyes.

I quit the metro, I quit her world I've never entered.

He

He always wanted to say those in his head, but never got the courage. Holding her hand tightly, he whispered into her ear. Seeing her smile he felt relieved. He freed her from him. He wanted to say more, but it was too late, she wasn't there anymore, she had long gone.

He Said Something

He said something and his words filled her chest with bliss. She could feel the warm blood circulating through her veins. Her heart started beating very fast and then lowered and lowered and lowered.

Holding his hand, she died.

Where in your memories are you?

Going back to Istanbul was more than a trip. it was living through all the past memories once again. First days were sleepless. How could I sleep among all these memories? They kept me awake. They keep me alive. I wondered where in my memories I was left.

What about you? Have you ever thought where in your memories you are?

My silence

I have millions to say, but I am enveloped in my own silence. Silence tells more, but that is something you will never know.

Thousands of Miles for Nothing

I traveled thousands miles to see you. One morning I gained all my courage to head to your direction, but it rained cats and dogs and I remained in hesitation. When will I see you again? Will it help to ease this pain?

These all is in vain.

You

Your most precious words no longer had a meaning for me. I listened to you until the end. You waited for me to say something, but what was there to say? I looked at your beautiful eyes. I realized that they were not beautiful, you turned into someone else I didn't know.

I wish I knew

Wish I was told. By words. From you.
Wish I knew. What. Happened. To you.

Bang! Bang!

Sometimes we just need to cease the pain inside. But, ...Bang! Bang!
I...I shot him and I know I was wrong. I didn't give him a chance to bounce.

I wanted to be the first, I didn't want him to shoot me, didn't want him to make me bleed.
I know he would never do that to me.
I am awfully sorry, but...

I shot him before he shot me.

A Word

A word poured from my mouth, I couldn't catch it and it slided through my fingers, fell on the floor, crashed into millions of pieces.
I have lost my word...

Parts of Me

A part of me shed tears constantly. A part of me ached unceasingly. The other part was given to you. And now what has been left of me?

One part sank in silence, the other in darkness.

Lost

This or that. Neither of them expressed the way I felt. I wrote and then I deleted them all. When I deleted all my feelings embodied in words also were swept away. I scrabbled in search for my feelings and I got lost in the way I lost my words. I guess someone has just deleted me, I wonder who will now find me.

Your Voice

Why didn't I talk to you?

I regret.

Your words were knife-sharp. They cut me and made me bleed. Now your words are buried with you. But you voice has stayed here. With me.

He

I walked through the subway Marques de Pombal Blue Line Station on my way home. As I was climbing the stairs, each step I took reminded me of an unknown future. An unknown future only a couple of minutes away at a place called home.

What bad surprises awaited me I didn't know. Each step drew me closer to an unknown end. Now, I was at the door of my apartment. I was...I was there. I hesitated at first but then unlocked the door. He was there with a sweet smile on his face.

All the worries in my head disappeared.

Lies without Words

Was she so beautifully handsome? Or handsomely beautiful? I couldn't decide. I kept staring at her. She caught my eyes and I pretended; I wasn't look at her. Why do we have to lie all the time? Why couldn't I just continue staring? With words or without words, lies run this world!

Metro Readings: Blindness

The blind man took his steps carefully in the darkness of his world. Outside, the sun was beaming so radiantly. But even that couldn't lighten his world up. His world enveloped him in the darkness and people around him became a part of this darkness: They didn't see him, neither did he see them.

Tomorrow it will be

I ran, I ran and I ran. I ran away whatever you brought to me.
I knew, I knew and I knew. I knew this was the end.
Not now. Not today. But I know tomorrow it will be...

Beautiful

You cut me into pieces, yet I continued to believe it all looked beautiful. Beautiful.

Behind You

Now you ceased to exist in me. The only tie I have with you is my words at the present and your life in my past. Once your life would fill me in with words, now my words empty out what's left behind you.

Women

There are forms of pregnancy. Some women prefer to get pregnant by donors from a sperm bank. Some use men just for that purpose without any commitment. Others get married with Mr. Right. In the last case, in South women get pregnant, men become fathers. In North, both women and men get pregnant and they become parents. And me, between the West and the East and the South and the North, I choose not to be a mother, but a woman.

Who, What, When?

I sometimes doubt: Was that my imagination or the reality that was so sound?
Don't you sometimes feel the memories of our past become sweeter than they were indeed?

We long for unexperienced feelings, whereas the feelings we once felt were always better than today's.

Who will satisfy us? What will satisfy?

When?

Lost Words

Words are floating in my head and some feelings are filling my chest. What am I doing?

Nothing.

The words just can't reach to these lines nowadays. How much I miss to get lost among them...

Today my words are.

But, I wonder:

Where am I?

Reality vs God

I refused to believe in reality-death, but
I chose to believe in an illusion-god. And in the end neither of them helped much:

Reality shattered me into pieces and god never existed.

Feelings

Years and years pass. Some feelings shrink. The others just grow in the direction we don't want.

Autopoetic

It was a misunderstanding that led me to this nonexistent word: Autopoetic. First, it was a bliss! I thought I had found the word I had been long looking for. In the next second, he corrected: He didn't say "autopoetic".

True, he didn't say autopoetic, but still this didn't change the fact that I have found my word:

Autopoetic is an attempt to give a meaning to our lives in a poetic way, in our own unique way.

Holding One's Hand

People hold each others' hands in two situations: When they are in love and when they are afraid. Today I can't decide which I am feeling.

Will you just come and hold my hand? It's already getting too dark here...

Long Time No Post

Long time no post. Sometimes I like to be enveloped by my silence. Sometimes silence has more meaning than all my words.

Age 29, Post 229

Started my new age very broken, but don't worry, I have a whole year to recover.

Puzzle

She slept with many men to find the man she had lost once. One had his smile, the other had the same eye color and another had the same humor.

No man and nothing brought him back.
But all men and everything made her eternally sad.

First, Then and Now.

First I thought I would be liberated.
Then I got scared I wouldn't get inspired.
Now I know it wasn't for a while, it was for a life-time.

Pondering

If I could only "rewind" my life...I know I would repeat all mistakes again and be here where I am today. That's the way I am, I guess.

Midsummer Dream

No,it isn't you. Neither is it me.
You and me were gone long time ago. Our existence vanished in this vast universe at once and what remained of us was our dreams.
Can you believe that we never existed in this world, my love?

It was just a midsummer dream.

It wasn't Him, It was His Voice

The tone of his voice was enchanting. Soft, calm and relaxing. We didn't talk much, but I wished we had done so. He could talk forever and I was willing to travel to the distant places his voice would take me.
Can a voice of a stranger be so familiar?

All the Universe is Against Me

I sometimes feel all the universe is against me.

I sometimes feel I am the victim of a secret conspiracy.

And today I feel the joke was on me.

One Strange Metro Reading

I saw that young beautiful man reading his book in English. I didn't want to disturb him, but I was curious to death just to be able to see the title of his book; The History of.... Unfortunately, I didn't have enough time to find it out, for it was time to get out. In the crowd, I could spot his direction easily. I walked behind his silhouette not noticing that I was walking in the wrong direction.

I fell under the train and I died. Died after my dreams.

If...

If I gave up everything and turned back to you, would I be the same person you loved once?

My Father's Grave

I didn't visit your grave last time I was in Istanbul. Your absence in my life has turned such a great presence in the core of my existence that it didn't make any sense to go to a cemetry. How could you be dead while you're here everyday in my thoughts?

I know your body is rotting there among others, but these feelings held me back. I am still your little daughter, remember? At times, I get scared.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for acting so coward.

Why me?

I sometimes feel I am detached from life and realize how badly I misread it. All I do is to search for a substance for so-called, neatly created pains. Only the times I fail to find one, I feel happy in life. Why me, I would ask to myself. But today it is:

Why not me?

She: The Story of Unhapiness

The blue sky was there. She turned on her TV to watch some news. Desperation of an old man holding his little daughter's dead body stirred her feelings deeply. Shrank in his body, hunger of a child brought her tears. Grief of a woman standing next to her bombed house revolted her. She looked up to the sky from her window. A tiny reason for happiness, i.e. blue sky, was a luxury to the rest of the world. The sun was shining only for few, she thought and turned off the TV.

He: The Story of Happiness

The clear blue sky, bleaming sun was away from his concept of happiness.
He demanded more
And he shrinked in his body more.
In the end he was reduced to his unhappiness.
One day, the wind blew and he flew.
That's how he became aknew and he started all anew.

Absence

I'll be away from my computer until the end of this month.

Colors Tray

My skin is white, my soul is black and my thoughts are often blue.

Your skin is black, your soul is white and your thoughts are lost and your eyes never smile.

Truth and Lies

Your lies hurt more than the bitterest truth.
Either tell me all or just seal your lips.
In either case, I will be gone.

She and Her Memories of Him

She wanted to get some hearings, some news from him. But she didn't. It wasn't long after she found out that she was no longer in his life. She didn't know how to feel, just thought how easy it was to forget all. Suddenly, she realized something. It was easy to break up with them, but it wasn't easy to get rid of memories. That was the hardest of all.

The man she was in love wasn't it him, but her memories of him.

Stranger

He was a stranger. He was a stranger to these skies, to these faces, to all.

His soul was aching. Inside he was suffering from these emotional tumors that noone could cure. The more richness his eyes witnessed, the sadder he got at heart. His life was nothing but flashbacks of poverty of his past life.

His loneliness was stiffened by the fact that he was from a third world country. He passed through all these crowded streets, but couldn't find anything familiar. A few blocks later, he heard someone called his name.

Sadness fell upon his heart. He was no longer stranger. The magic was gone.