Past

A person who has lost his past indeed has lost himself.
A person who lost himself has been dead for long.

Hours

She checked her watch. He is late, she thought. In front of the window, sank in the silence of her mind, she was looking at the dark road curiously. Her mother asked:
-“Is he coming?”
She replied sadly:
-“No...not yet.”
She knew deep in her heart that he would never be back. She looked at the dark road once again and closed the window.

She

She refused to speak. Her words would hurt him. Sank in silence, she stood looking at the river. She had already made her mind; she wouldn't marry him. She knew she wasn't made for that. She refused to be a part of an unreal universe. Her thoughts were interrrupted by the slam of the door.

She felt a great relief in her heart.

The Best Days of His Life

He said these were the best days of his life. She wondered how. How's it possible to utter such words without even having lived half of his life. Lies, she thought. Early, white lies.

Endings in Her Life

She never liked the ending of films. For she has seen many endings in her life: ending of a relationship, ending of a friendship, ending of a lie, ending of a life...

The Color of the Sky

It wasn't the color of his skin neither his eyes.
It was the color of the sky
that got me nearby

Today

Don't touch me today! But tomorrow you can smash me into pieces!

Thinking Why

With three words- i.e. I, love, you- you can tell a world of things. I wonder why we fail to express ourselves and understand each other with millions of words we have!

On Such A Sunny Winter Day...

The smell of his father's skin was still in her hands.

The coldness of him in her skin, the muds of his graveyard on her shoes, looking at what was left from him, a piece of soil, she was crying, she was cursing, she was shaking.

He was burried without her.

He was burried deep in her skin...

On such a sunny winter day in the world of ugliness.

So The Story Begins...

Once upon a time, in search for a refuge in somewhere, some other place rather than in my innermost self, I saw his picture on my school's weekly newspaper. With sparkling blue eyes and a sweet smile on face, he wasn't akin to anything I was used to.

After our first encounter through the newspaper, he became what I most wanted, what I most needed. Then, one day, he went away with the same sweet smile on his face. And I, I stayed with the newspaper.

Today, I still keep this newspaper in my drawer.

Today, I still keep on seeing him through that newspaper.

She Chose Him

She chose him.
Because for him it didn’t matter what she had had.

For the rest, it was valuable, it was unique, it was sacred, it was her life.

For her it meant nothing, it was nothing but a chain to be broken in order to free first her mind then her body. From the very first moments, she knew that for him it was important only because she had chosen him.

It was an honor for him and an honor for her-perhaps in a different way. And she gave him and herself that honor on the very first day of their encounter, never to be forgotten.

Being a Part of a Sad Story

It's so difficult to be a part of a sad story.

The story swallows you in, whether you like it or not, make you surrender to all the painful consequences of the events. You search for a way out in this never-ending story, but all the exists are closed until you suffer what you're given to suffer.

It's so difficult to be a part of a sad story, not knowing how it would end.

Life and Death

Life starts only today for those who are destined to die tomorrow. They begin to live starting from the very first minute they know their death is not so far. Awareness of their existence is felt through endless pains, both in their bodies and thoughts.

When they most want to stay alive, they die...in silence.

She, He and The Other

He's making love to his wife in their bedroom-as usual.Startled by her indifference in bed, he reaches an orgasm. And she? He never knows. He'd never know. Litting his cigarette, he resents his life secretly. His thoughts travel back and forth to her. He wonders in whose arms she falls asleep every, every night.

She and He

She
She is travelling by bus while reading a book. She catches a glimpse of her past through one word hidden hundreds of lines of the book. She stops reading. Her world stops for a while on that bus. She sinks in deep thoughts. She remembers him.

He
He's studying at his desk, listening to some music meanwhile. He catches a phrase in the lyrics of the song. He stops his work. His world stops by that song. He sinks in deep thoughts. He remembers her.

She
The trip is now over, she's back to reality. It was a beautiful dream, she thinks, and smiles at her boyfriend sitting next to her.

He
The song is now over, he sighes deeply. It was a beautiful dream, he thinks, and continues his work-as nothing has ever happened.

All I've been Writing

I'm not telling stories, I'm talking about my life!

Story of a Promise

Locked into his loneliness, he was afraid of giving a promise. In a world of broken promises, he yielded to keep his words. Although he held them so strongly in his hands, they managed to slip through his fingers, smashed against the ground and broken into pieces.

She hold one piece of a word in her hand and reluctantly put it back where it belonged to.

As We Grow Older...

As we grow older the definitions which give meanings to our lives change. What was once love now is called passion. What was once avoided is now what we've become.
Growing old is just scary.

The Words

Among faces, voices and colors, what seduced me most was the words. I could picture the faces or by the help of a paint-brush create new colors on my palette or simple tape my voice.But, I know none of these would satisfy me. I used to believe that I'd chosen the words, but today I know the words have chosen me.

Repeat Life

She had the key to all the mystery surrounded her: All she needed to do was to repeat the life through creating a new being, that is through becoming a mother. She thought she wanted something incredibly great, something that would give a meaning to her life, something that would make her happy... Yet, she had forgotten that she would repeat the routine. And she gave birth to her child. Poor thing, she would never see her misfortune that she indeed had been a slave of a biological destiny to repeat life, inside.

His words

He spoke to me but his words never reached me. It felt like I was surrounded by invisible walls, the more I saw him the further he became. I looked at him in the eye in search for a hidden meaning. I held his hand to feel him near by. Hearing his words I wanted his words to reach me.

But, I lost myself, I lost his words.

I'm Smiling

I'm smiling at him. I'm cracking another smile to the world. My eyes also smile. But inside I'm not O.K., I'm not O.K.

With You, Without You

I'd like to believe in those talks. I'd like to look up the sky and think you're watching over me like an angel. But I don't. 84 days have passed since you died. While your body falls into pieces under the soil, my soul shatters into pieces.
With you, without you.

Now & Then: Blue

Once blue was the color of his eyes.
Now blue is the color of my thoughts.

Ssh...Ssh...

Ssh, ssh don't speak. Your words cuts me in, makes me bleed.
Sssh, ssh, don't speak...

The Best and the Worst

The best thing about him was his promises.
The worst thing about him was that he never kept them.

This is My Song

This is my song, it's unwritten,
This is my promise, it's broken,
This is your word, untaken,
This is your face, unpleasant...

Rain and Me

Under the heavy rain, you were like a sun. I liked my experience of sending you letters, I should do it more often...

A song...

Come, come back to my life...
Shine, shine over my life...

Writing

Sometimes breathing is so hard...Sometimes feeling is so hard. At these times writing takes me so high...

Never

You've never been with us. With your physical leave your emotional absence had its embodiment. It's so sad than ever to see you're really gone.

My Birthday

One birthday came and went just like any other day. Nothing made it special. Quite the opposite, deep down in me, I felt shattered into pieces, lost, resented to the world, resented to my father...

Happiness, My Happiness

"Happiness comes from inside", he said, still gazing at her with fiercing eyes, "if you can't find it in your unique self, you shouldn't look for it in any other place.Nowhere, nothing and nobody will bring it to you." Then he continued "you don't find it, you just can't find it by going away..."
She liked his words. They all made sense to her. She didn't even think for a second to respond him:
"I'm not looking for happiness, for I'm happy. As a matter of fact, I'm the happiest in my own world...It's..It's the outer world that makes me sad..."

Neither you nor me

Neither in you nor in me, it's in love, it's in life,
my love...

Portugal

Portugal is itself a story, but today it feels like a movie. And I'm sitting here to watch it.
I feel I am an audience to these scenes, to this chaos, to these strangers.
I feel I am a stranger to these pictures which envelops me in it and at the same time leaves me out of it.

I know, I'm not a picture of this movie and I never will. I am rather an audience, condemned to lean back and see.

Writing

Sometimes breathing is so hard.
Sometimes feeling is so hard.
At these times writing takes me so high...

He's Gone...

Little, vulnerable boy's heart couldn't take it any more and he gave in at a sunny December noon. With the tears in his eyes, he left us silently. Nothing could bring him back, for his leave was forever.

It's hard to believe, it's hard to accept and it's hard to deal with.

It's too real to be true, it's too real to happen and it's too real to cope with.

She Wanted

She wanted to speak, but she believed in the sanctity of the words. She remained silent.
She wanted to love, but she believed in sanctity of platonic love. She remained unloved, in pain.
She wanted to see, but she doubted the colors. She remained blind.

Big Loneliness in a Small World

The more my trip got longer, the lonelier I became. This small city enveloped me in such a solitude that once a small issue now became a major one. Today, I suffer a lot from big loneliness in my small world. As loners do laugh on their own in public, tonight I prefered tears. I cried in a public mean on my way "home."

A Big Bleeding Heart in a Small City

Today I saw a man in the underground which reminded me of my ill father. He was a middle-aged man with dark features.Contrary to my father, his body didn't show any evidence of an illness. His appearance had nothing to do with my father's, but still I kept on believing that he looked exactly like my father. The man was a loner like me, I thought. A few minutes later he justified my first thoughts of him. He was smiling alone. Lonely hearts do that quite often. I know. He smiled alone in the crowd of the train a couple of times. Sadly, it was my time to get off the train.

I looked at him once again.I said good-bye to him.

I said good-bye to my father.

Forever.

We Never Know

I was waiting for this silence through my screams.I was looking for this pain through my happiness. Now I have the silence, I have the pain, I have all I wanted.
My role has changed, so are my wishes. Like everyone. What we once want becomes unwanted, what is once undesired now is desired.
We never know.
We never know.

Unrecognized

Sunk in the ugliness of the daily life, there she remained unrecognized.
Her existence was so vivid, so un realistically beautiful. Yet, nobody's seen her. And she stood there timidly in an ugly garden of a church. Unrecognized.
And I. I was blinded by her beauty. I stopped walking to make sure of what I was seeing. She was uniquely beautiful. She was uniquely alive. She was uniquely true,true to life.

It was in another routine day I realized...

When people around me were sunk in the ugliness of the world, I was drawn by the beauty of it.

Ugliness

He wanted to show me all his faces.
I refused.
He wanted me to know all his feelings.
I refused.
I took the beauty out of him, locked it in my heart and left the rest to him.
"I don't need any ugliness, for I'm in love with beauties", I said...
He looked at me and saw the ugliness he didn't want to see in me. Just said.

Night and the Stranger

A crazy thought like vanishing into the night with a stranger crossed my mind. I could do that as he was more than willing to do that. But, I preferred to vanish into the night alone, leaving him completely puzzled and alone.

I did it.

I didn't look back. I was happy. I was free from another dream.

He'll Be Back One Day

I know this eternal silence will be broken by you one day.
I know.
And I am saving my words to show.

Your words will pour onto me once again.
Here I am waiting.
For the words come to me again.

"Your Eyes Are Beautiful," He Said

"Your eyes are beautiful," he said. Like all the men I've known in my life. He was right. They were all right with their words, without knowing their meaning.-will continue-

Her Existence On the Way Home

Her entire existence dissolved to nothingness on her way home...

Together alone with my loneliness

In the empty streets of Lisbon, I was alone with my loneliness last night. As I walked through,empty streets filled my thoughts, shook my feelings.


With a gently blowing breeze caressing my hair,lost not only in my thoughts but also in this planet, I felt incredibly lonely.

Last night, me, my thoughts and my loneliness filled the streets. I was together alone with my loneliness.

Deaf Man

In her world, she felt what would this lead to. And she expressed this resentment. She screamed,but the words were not enough; she cried, but tears didn't wipe her sadness away; she opened her wardrobe and threw all her clothes to the floor. At the edge of losing her mind, she realized once again that her screams were not heard by him.

For the fact that he was deaf, a deaf man.

She

On the surface she was an iceberg, inside her soul was surrounded by flames, burning.

She in Her Reality, He in His Dreams

She's gone. She's gone away.
She'll come. She'll come back, he thought in a state of great desperation. He just couldn't think his life without her. Love, feelings, hopes, expectations, dreams can all be illusions. Life, like her, has illusioned him. Now, there was not much left to be said. She's gone...Life's gone...

From her part, life was always there. Different from him, she knew how to take life and she did. She wanted to be away. Away from him, away from their numb, routine life. She wanted once again to feel what it was like to be alive. When was the last time she had strong feelings that would make her shake? She couldn't remember. Her dead feelings were no longer needed. What was needed was to act. To act her role in life; to save her lost self in this marriage and be herself. Once again. Uniquely, beautifully and freely.

One Second, one entire world

I was conducting my lesson with a game, drawing some stick figures to help my student guess the key word. It was my "mind-map" consisting of many "spokes". In one particular "spoke", I was drawing my family. It was my father's turn to be drawn. I did. But, when it came to the part that I should have added some hair on top of his head, I stopped for half a second. Then I continued drawing each hair one by one in a second. While I was drawing three standing hair on his head, millions of things crossed my mind.I wanted to stop, but I couldn't.

One second...one entire world...

Her Hands

Before you dive into the depth of her eyes, by touching her hands you would feel what she has gone through all her life long.
Her rough hands tell the story of her life, or in better words, her fight.
Her worn out hands would make you feel the hardness of her heart that has been shaped by pains, sufferings and tears....in order to protect, to be sheltered, to survive, to fight and to embrace...life.

If you get the chance to get to know her one day, touch to her hands before looking her in the eye.
And understand the meaning of life...

Storms

Neverending stormy thoughts in my small world still take me back and forth to you. You disappear among the waves of my thoughts, make me think it is over, but it isn't..In the moments I believe the storm is over, I'm over you, you come back to me with even stronger memories.

Why?

Why are you still a part of my mind, if not my heart?

It has never been over...

Private Eye Portugal

My neighbour, a dark-haired beautiful man in his early thirties, lights his cigarette at the window of the kitchen and looks away in deep thoughts every evening after dinner. His pondering posture attracts me so much that I want to get into his thoughts, dreams and whisper into his ear; you, I and the rest...so helpless and yet restless...

Private Eye Denmark

I used to wake up at 6 am by the reflection of the light of a tablelamp which my neighbour used to turn on. Then I would raise from my bed and watch her slow moves from my bare window. The reflection of the light was so powerful that after a while, our sleeping and waking up hours had become the same. That's how our untold story began:We shared the same routines without being aware of, secretly...

Private Eye

In each country I live, I select secret lives from the windows of my apartment. Each time I look at those lives that surround, as well as exclude me, I dream; what's going on behind the curtains. If I'm lucky and can see my ghost neighbour, I try to guess what he/she is doing and what he/she is thinking. Even though the truth is a mystery, the games of imagination on reality gives me the greatest joy.

http://blogology101.blogspot.com/

The owner of this blog wrote so lovely comments for my blog. I'd like to thank him from here once again for his comments that had an "awakening" effect on my sleepy, unspoken words...

Tomorrow, Tomorrow and Tomorrow

It scares me off to think tomorrow today...

Againts The Stream

Possessed by a mysterious romantic night, now it was time to set her soul free.
Every step she took in the river was a declaration of independence of her enslaved soul.
She walked against the stream,
Would she swim?
She didn't know how to swim in the sea of others.
She drawned.
In peace.

A Complete Woman in Turkish

He could speak of his feelings only in his own language. She never understood what he meant, for he was a great man in Portuguese.
Deep in heart, she knew he could never understand her native feelings, for she was a complete woman in Turkish.

All My Lines

All my lines still smell of you...

Marriage Proposal

He asked many times to get married. I teased, I joked, I let him dream at times. Deep inside I knew, my heart knew that I got married long time ago to someone else.
And the difference was the confession of my pace.

Transplant of My Heart

Transplant of my heart.
If it doesn't suit you, it surely will suit to some others.

All My Dreams

All my dreams are canned into a small bin and placed into a dusty closet, not be reopened.
All the dreams I had now turned into a dream; a dream to reach all my dreams...

Silver Skies

He never entered into a unique complete union with the universe under the silver skies...

Me and Myself At the Present

Once a joyful life now turned into a big question mark.
Once all the things I owned now a part of my history.
What I got today is nothing than melancholy, loneliness and alienation.
What I got today is the disappearance of my own existence.
The things that made me are missing now except my ever-lasting friendship.
I miss true friends,
I miss my happy days.
More than these, I miss my lost self.

Death and Life

It hurted me seeing my father calling death lying in his bed with enormous pain, while hearing next door new-born baby crying.
Death and Life.
No beginning or no end.
Existing at once, one in another.

Eyes

When everyone was staring at him, I looked at the viewers' pitiful eyes. I wanted to read what went through their minds, when my dad looked so innocent, so child-like.
I saw how serious, how dramatic the situation was only through their eyes.
It was the others' eyes that told me everything.
It was their mimics, every single facial muscle that trembled hesitantly.
The eyes of my father were rather hopeful, still rejecting his own end, afraid of death.

Cancer Doesn't Fit on My Father Well

Cancer. A word I've only "heard" before. A sickness I was acquainted with only in others' lives, if not in movies. Today, I know it so well as it happened to a part of me, to my father. Today, not only I know all about it, but I "live" it every passing day, seeing it taking him away from us so silently, so unjustly. Every passing day, I see how it destroys his body. Cancer cells doesn't only invade one's body but also the very core of your psyche; it doesn't only torture the body of the patient but inside of him, inside of everyone close by.

Cancer doesn't fit on my father well. I wish I had the power to change this. I wish I could give him the power to fight. Once a powerful strong man, now turned to a little, vulnerable child.

Small in the body, small in his hopes, sinking into darkness every day...away from night and day...